I feel choked by fear and I felt that by writing it down I’ll be able to loosen the grip. Haven’t written in a while, but have been very active (more like addicted) on Instagram, using that tool to share snippets of my thoughts as well.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t let fear rule me, but often some things are out of your control. This cancer journey plus my inherent insecurities do that to me. I fear that my time is limited considering how much I want to do and that too scares me. I feel like my body is holding me back or perhaps it is more my fear that I will ‘break’ something in body or worsen things if I do too much. I never had this kind of fear before the cancer diagnosis and I don’t like it.
My good friend E encouraged me to write a book which she and I, know I have in me but I think she has a whole lot of confidence in me than I do in myself. She felt that I should share my knowledge of how the cancer has affected me, but truly I don’t feel like an expert. Although that’s rather silly of me as there are several things that are good to know beforehand to make the journey easier and I know them now. Simple things like having an item of your own with you during chemo like a soft shawl. Even more importantly, the signs not to miss in order to catch the disease early. I still can’t quite believe I’m a stage 4 cancer patient as some days, in between my doctor visits, I don’t feel at all like one.
I have overwhelming fears about my tumour marker CA125 rising and as a result fearful procedures that follow including the dreaded MRI and surgery. I try not to think of any of it and pull myself back into the present moment focusing on the loves of my life and how much there is to live for and enjoy right now.