Been feeling especially insecure lately. Exceptionally down emotionally. Don’t feel like a worthy human being. Or at least in this world that values superficial things and status. This world where bullies thrive and aggression is rewarded. I just want peace and often feel myself being swept away in the currents. I don’t know how else to be. I accept that I’m passive although I secretly wish I could command respect and have value one day.
When I’m depressed and anxious I find dining with someone you can talk to honesty from the heart (my partner in this case) while partaking in good food truly comforting. I find it impossible to cut off carbs or dairy and there is no real scientific evidence that it helps, but yet all the bombarding of information makes me feel guilty. I constantly feel guilt and it’s exhausting.
What I do feel sure of is that mental health in my case is more critical. I feel deep in my gut that past traumas from the time I was a child including later traumas have led to a lowering of my immunity and the cancer to spread. The cancer is a physical manifestation of my pain. I always knew the day would come even as a child. At the moment it seems under control and I don’t want it rearing its scary head again.
I need to try my very best not to let the negative voice constantly echoing in my head win. If I can regain my confidence and not constantly feel like I don’t deserve to be here or like a burden and of no value, it will help me so much. Ironically I stopped feeling like a waste of space when I was going through treatment. I felt like I had a role at least and when it was over I went back to feeling useless.
Please don’t be alarmed by this post. Articulating my thoughts helps me and I hope to look back on this post when I am in a better place emotionally and see that there are ups in life that will triumph over the downs. I also want to reach out to fellow anxiety sufferers so that we all don’t feel so alone. Posted this on Instagram and felt like publishing it on my blog too.