I can be up and cheery, but the tiniest things can cause a major mood shift. Someone dropping an insensitive remark can send me into a tailspin of depression. And the person dropping the remark probably did not think of it has being insensitive.
I know I should be more confident and not let anyone put a dent in my happiness but it’s hard. I guess I care what people think even though I don’t want to. Even though I know I should not let it affect me.
I constantly berate myself from the moment I wake up. Why am I so neurotic?
I guess deep down everyone wants to be liked. I have an additional issue of not wanting people to be upset with me. It’s why I do things I should not do. It’s why I find it impossible to say no. It’s why I have been a doormat all these years. I wish there was a button I could switch off so that I just don’t have to care. I envy people who go through life just not caring. They seem to be insulated from this kind of suffering.
I also worry quite a bit. I am always projecting worse case scenarios in my head. It’s terrible I know. Wish I could be more naturally positive.
I am quite aware that I suffer from low self esteem. I sometimes wonder if we are born like that. Or is it years of being bombarded by negative remarks that makes us doubt our abilities.
Sorry for the rambling post. Today I just felt like making a very personal, highly indulgent, diary entry in my blog.