Hollow

I don’t even hope for happiness. All I hope for is peace of mind and no more of this zero self esteem. It has plummeted so low and I feel like a total failure. I just have to keep writing and I hope my hollow sounding words don’t put you off.

How do you raise your self esteem when you feel so worthless? How do you not measure yourself anymore in terms of society’s norms even though it’s in your face all the time? But most of all, how do I stop this constant worrying and intense anxiety. And fear. I can’t even steady my mind anymore. It’s always wandering off tangent, and I feel like a burden. Wish for the peace I had when my father was still around.

Will have to see a therapist soon, I know, but meanwhile writing helps. Otherwise everything just gets stuck in a bad place.

At this moment I feel like flying off somewhere and losing myself in another country or planet. Even though I am terrified of flying.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore helps me survive the mid-life crisis
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12 Responses to Hollow

  1. Saycheese says:

    I had an episode like this a long time ago. Didn’t even want to get out of bed. Nothing and nobody could even prod me to do anything.
    Wifey pulled me to a shrink, took the medication prescribed. Hey, the whole world changed! Colours returned to replace the drabness. There was still so much I had to do. Those antidepressants can really do magic when you actually need them.
    No point wallowing and letting yourself sink deeper. Go get help fast!

  2. Lady J says:

    I hope you feel better soon dearie.. It’s not easy but I always feel that when you hit a low in your life, the only way is up. I always feel that even at my darkest moments, hard as it may sound, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. We may not be able to get there on our own, but we can always seek help and reach out to those to help us get there. Battling low-self esteem isn’t easy. I know because I have that too. My coping mechanism is to laugh it off. It ain’t easy trying to cope with this when I was younger, but I try and I hope you will continue trying and not give up.

    • bookjunkie says:

      You are really kind. Thanks so much for reaching out…your words help me more than you know. I always knew you were such nice person and that’s what gravitated me towards your blog.

      It sometimes all feels so surreal. I was so happy in my 20’s and I wonder where it all went. But I tell myself, it’s not too late, I must pick myself up and maybe I can survive.

      • Mike says:

        Bookjunkie, dun be too hard on yourself.
        It is just a process of knowing yourself better and dun struggle with the society standard too much.
        Every one have gone through a period of soul searching.
        Just to share you,
        your photos and writing have added colour and fun in my life.
        I hope you can continue your good work and writing.

  3. Laura says:

    I am sorry to read this and hope you are soon feeling better. Try not to beat yourself up too much about the way you feel (I know that’s easier said than done) but just as much as your family care for you so do your loyal readers. We are all sending you lots of love and hugs right now.

  4. Claudia Chia says:

    Your blog is great and your posts are great! We all have our ups and downs. Posted some moody posts on my blog before also.

    • bookjunkie says:

      Thanks a million Claudia….in an odd way I do like reading moody posts best 😉 Makes me feel I’m not alone.

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