I have these constant feelings of constriction and I just need and want to be free.
Free to realise the dreams and vision I always had till I stopped them in their tracks because there came a point when if I didn’t stop I would have totally crumbled.
Time has a way of creeping up on you.
My fears are mostly in my head. Or are they? And they plague my sleep.
But as a child I had some very real fears. The beginning of my eroded self.
Right now, it’s a self created jail due to extreme self doubt and a devastated sense of self.
I feel shredded.
I am easily intimidated. And I hate that.
I used to be confidant, but that person is no more. I used to like people, but now I wonder how they will hurt me further. I best avoid them.
My regrets I shouldn’t dwell on, as they eat into me.
I have been rusting these past 10 years.
But perhaps the decade of isolation and stagnation was a necessary thing for survival.
Yes I wish I could reclaim them and do something different.
I want to be in a different state. A better state.
I want to run away some place to start over. I fantasise about a time machine.
I need to jerk myself out of this lethargy. This chronic fatigue.
How wonderful it would be to not be chained by fear anymore. To boldly seek what I crave.
I hesitate writing anything negative because I wonder if just the act alone dooms you further into a pessimistic state.
I admire naturally optimistic people. I just try to imitate them and hopefully trick myself into states of happiness.
These moments of pleasure are often in isolation marked by long periods of self doubt and dwelling on morose thoughts.
Just needed to write from the gut for a change even though I know, it’s all very cryptic and a nonsensical stream of thoughts. Well perhaps they may make sense to someone coincidentally experiencing similar feelings of anxiousness and regret.
That’s what a journal is for and somehow writing with an audience is more healing than making this private.
Perhaps I’m trying to shake myself out of something. Trying to propel myself forward.
Age has a way of limiting your vision, but perhaps it is all still within reach.