I haven’t written in a long while and cringe as I spot grammatical errors (typos or the result of the darn autocorrect function on my iPhone) I’ve made and my juvenile writing style.
Most of all, I disappoint myself with my self censorship. On some level it disgusts me. Yes I disgust myself with my cowardice. But if like me, you’ve lived here long enough you know there’s no such thing as true freedom of speech and I’m not brave, intelligent or self-sacrificing enough to be a hero. (But we do have some courageous souls out there.)
I have enough anxieties coping with life as it is. I’m hardly above sea level some days and I just don’t have the mental strength. Yes I know it sounds selfish. It is. Totally. I think I’m writing this as an apology of sorts. Maybe to myself as well. I feel a need to explain myself and a writing style which is always holding back when I broach certain topics.
Most are all right with this and they see it as a trade off for material well being, economic prosperity and security. Or they are too busy with work to think about anything else.
But I truly hope that one day our society will mature and we won’t have to think so much about what we can or cannot write about. The waters feel murky and I am clueless about the boundaries.
Being able to express myself freely is a very basic need for me and I hope things change so that the next generation won’t feel as oppressed as I do, even if I don’t live to see the change.