So much on my mind that I want to offload but I don’t know where to begin. It’s harder to write about negative thoughts because it seems indulgent. But that’s the reality.
Before the diagnosis I thought it (the cancer) would all be settled with the surgery. Only later did I learn I had to go through chemotherapy followed by radiation. I was looking forward to it to being all over then and to able to return to my normal life. Now I just learnt that cancer cells may be resistant to chemo and so you need to undergo chemo again but this time with different drugs. There is no more normal but the ‘me before’ and ‘me after’ diagnosis. Hopefully the ‘me after’ can be the better version.
And another reality is that detection and treatment for Ovarian cancer is rather lacking and more research is needed. My oncologist wants me tested for the faulty gene, the one that Angelina Jolie has. It’s great that she has used her celebrity to raise awareness for this cancer.
I found out there is no Ovarian Cancer support group in Singapore. That was rather disappointing. Also in countries like the US or Australia wigs for chemo patients are considered to be prosthetics and covered by insurance, but not here. I also feel that there should be free cancer screening for the population because prevention is always better and would mean less cost in the long run.
I think the oncologist doesn’t want to scare or overwhelm me so not so good news comes in tiny pieces like possible side effects like ulcers in the mouth which I seem to be getting now. I also have a much higher resting heart beat, 90 vs 70, also a side effect of chemo. It may be adding to feelings of anxiety, because lately I’ve been getting panic attacks in the car again.
Will try to focus on the good things and joys in life – nieces’ birthdays, cousin’s wedding. Just don’t want to miss a thing.