Feeling Extreme Anxiety & Worthlessness

Been feeling especially insecure lately. Exceptionally down emotionally. Don’t feel like a worthy human being. Or at least in this world that values superficial things and status. This world where bullies thrive and aggression is rewarded. I just want peace and often feel myself being swept away in the currents. I don’t know how else to be. I accept that I’m passive although I secretly wish I could command respect and have value one day.

When I’m depressed and anxious I find dining with someone you can talk to honesty from the heart (my partner in this case) while partaking in good food truly comforting. I find it impossible to cut off carbs or dairy and there is no real scientific evidence that it helps, but yet all the bombarding of information makes me feel guilty. I constantly feel guilt and it’s exhausting.

What I do feel sure of is that mental health in my case is more critical. I feel deep in my gut that past traumas from the time I was a child including later traumas have led to a lowering of my immunity and the cancer to spread. The cancer is a physical manifestation of my pain. I always knew the day would come even as a child. At the moment it seems under control and I don’t want it rearing its scary head again.

I need to try my very best not to let the negative voice constantly echoing in my head win. If I can regain my confidence and not constantly feel like I don’t deserve to be here or like a burden and of no value, it will help me so much. Ironically I stopped feeling like a waste of space when I was going through treatment. I felt like I had a role at least and when it was over I went back to feeling useless.

Please don’t be alarmed by this post. Articulating my thoughts helps me and I hope to look back on this post when I am in a better place emotionally and see that there are ups in life that will triumph over the downs. I also want to reach out to fellow anxiety sufferers so that we all don’t feel so alone. Posted this on Instagram and felt like publishing it on my blog too.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore helps me survive the mid-life crisis
This entry was posted in Cancer and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.