photo by bookjunkie
I used to be a very sociable person in my twenties. Going to noisy clubs with the music on full blast seemed exciting and fun. It was a new life experience. Since then, big life changing moments and growing older, caused me to become more reclusive, I have to admit that I am starting to enjoy the solitude and miss it when it’s disrupted. I need it to wind down. My panic and anxiety attacks have sort of turned me into a hermit. My panic attacks are often triggered by confined spaces, too many people and noise which induces feelings of claustrophobia, so I relish silence. At first I felt so abnormal and like such a freak, but right now i am seeing the positive side of it. Maybe this is just what I need right now. To commune with myself and heal.
Solitude can be wonderful. It is a happy aloneness and not the sad loneliness that can make you depressed. Solitude recharges my batteries. Solitude allows me to think and it’s a kind of meditation. I guess that’s why solitude is often associated with prayer and meditation. The best way to commune with nature, is in silence. I am sure this leads to greater inner peace as well. Calmness. Tranquility. Serenity. Peace. These are words I love and make me feel better just meditating on them.
One of the reasons people feel hassled at work is the constant ringing of the phones as you need to multitask and concentrate when there is so much noise around you. It’s just crazy to me. I really think telecommuting is the best way and if only managers would trust people enough to let this happen. And workers need to be measured by their output and not the number of hours they are seen in the office. With blackberries this is possible. The only reason you would need to go to the office is for meetings which are often a waste of time unless they are with clients. Telecommuting would make people so much more efficient and would save on office space rental as well. It would also rid us of nasty office politics. People with families could continue with their careers and spend more time with the people they love. I am sure most people are willing to earn less to just have this freedom and it’s why so many people start their own businesses. For greater freedom. Just a thought.
Anyway, for me solitude and silence go hand in hand. I am now starting to see why my cousin swears by her noise cancelling headphones. She says it’s one of the most worthwhile extravagant purchases she’s made. I find that I crave complete silence, because it makes me feel so much more calmer. To have this pure silence I need to stay up till past midnight, when the TV is off and everyone’s fast asleep. I am such a night owl. But I then feel that I have wasted the whole day, because I end up oversleeping and miss the beautiful morning. The morning, with the sun rising, seems so much more positive and I’d rather have my morning solitude before everyone wakes up. So right now, I am trying to convert to the early bird. Today I am up at 5am and I hope it lasts and I don’t turn into a zombie at midday.
One of the tricks is to deny myself access to the computer and television after 6pm. The flickering light from the screen and the mental alertness that comes from it is turning me into an insomniac. Also anxiety keep my brain running in circles. I should just read a book in the evening to distract myself.
Often I embark on something and when I fail I end up berating myself and feeling lousy. That’s the perfectionist all or nothing side that prevents me from making positive changes. This time I am just going to expect failure as part of my mission, but I am going to still keep trying till I form a new habit.
