I had a good mind to start a whole new secret private blog for cancer, but I decided, heck it, I’m writing from my heart, and writers have to be brutally honest, so I just have to hope that people around me understand and don’t get offended. Because I don’t mean to offend or hurt. Just feels therapeutic to write my thoughts down.
I felt so encouraged reading several posts by other cancer patients who were tired of being expected to be positive 100 percent of the time. No one is that positive, especially when something this sucky is happening to you. There are all kinds of turbulent emotions. It’s worse when you feel like you’re being chided for not being positive enough. So that just led me to hide my true feelings (the naturally negative ones that you just have to work through) and deal with it myself. Felt quite alone then.
But actually I would say I am more up than down, because I have such a loving and supportive family and caring friends. They are seriously the best and I often don’t feel like I deserve the attention. To be honest I feel like a burden a lot of the time. I grapple with doing more things myself but a bit fearful about over exerting myself and landing in hospital again.
In some moments I actually feel grateful for the cancer journey and how it revealed who really truly care. I took me for a loop how much they care. I have been truly touched by their love. And that’s something that makes me absolutely joyous.