Feeling Optimistic

My oncologist confirmed a week ago that I have stage 4 endometrial cancer. She also mentioned that my tumour type shows I’m not a good candidates for immunotherapy which is a concern. I have what is called microsatellite instability.

I was not as steady about it all as I am now. I was gripped with fear. It took time to digest. I’m going with my instinctive feeling that things will be ok and the fear just eased.

I’m feeling optimistic as second line chemo has not caused a scary side effect that my oncologist was concerned about – hallucinations. Somehow being such a control freak, not being in control of my mind seemed to be a hard prospect to handle. Another concern of hers was my bladder bleeding, but so far so good. I’m hospitalised during chemo and given bladder protecting drugs. It’s a big downer to me to be hospitalised as I tend to get bed sores being confined to the hot rubber bed but I’m so joyous the day I’m discharged. Makes you appreciate your home sweet home even more.

I only had bone ache around the shoulders, lower back and spine 3 days after the nuestala booster jab that was given in the abdominal area to boost my white blood cell count. I’m lucky to have a skillful oncology nurse to administer it to minimise the pain. At least the expected side effect of the bone ache must mean my bone marrow is working to produce those white blood cells.

I know it’s silly to feel sadder about loosing my hair again, plus my eyebrows and lashes & I am hopeless at makeup. There’s this worry that it won’t grow back because my lashes and brows never grew back as dark or long as they once were. Miss that. It was so much part of my identity. Dark defined brows that I never needed to groom or never felt like I needed to anyway. My hair came back totally silvery white, with the black only coming back a bit later. I’ve never once coloured my hair and I don’t want to start now especially considering the dyes could be toxic and plus the recurring cost.

I have lovely simple pleasures like my books and journal, but my greatest joy are the little ones in my big family.

I’m also dreaming of travel to the beaches of New Zealand or the scenic lush greenery of England, Ireland or Scotland. America is on my mind too although the long flight is the one thing that puts me off. Always wanted to see the majestic sequoia trees and the Parks and coast of California. Just some landscapes that are filling my daydreams. It’s always nature and cold weather that make it worthwhile to endure the hassle of travelling.  Wish I could go hassle free this time.

 

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore helps me survive the mid-life crisis

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6 Responses to Feeling Optimistic

  1. verena says:

    You are so strong and positive despite of what you are facing that sometimes I feel so guilty and ashamed at myself for feeling what I feel..

    Would still like to send you whatever encouragement and warmth that I can, and pray for your speedy recovery.

  2. J says:

    You’re such a fighter!
    A loved one is currently undergoing chemotherapy and I was recently told by my gynaecologist that the tumour in my uterus is likely cancerous.. Will be undergoing an op next mth..
    Reading your blog has helped me to better deal with some or my emotional turmoil.. Let’s all hope for the best!

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