My Fears

I feel choked by fear and I felt that by writing it down I’ll be able to loosen the grip. Haven’t written in a while, but have been very active (more like addicted) on Instagram, using that tool to share snippets of my thoughts as well.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t let fear rule me, but often some things are out of your control. This cancer journey plus my inherent insecurities do that to me. I fear that my time is limited considering how much I want to do and that too scares me. I feel like my body is holding me back or perhaps it is more my fear that I will ‘break’ something in body or worsen things if I do too much. I never had this kind of fear before the cancer diagnosis and I don’t like it.

My good friend E encouraged me to write a book which she and I, know I have in me but I think she has a whole lot of confidence in me than I do in myself. She felt that I should share my knowledge of how the cancer has affected me, but truly I don’t feel like an expert. Although that’s rather silly of me as there are several things that are good to know beforehand to make the journey easier and I know them now. Simple things like having an item of your own with you during chemo like a soft shawl. Even more importantly, the signs not to miss in order to catch the disease early. I still can’t quite believe I’m a stage 4 cancer patient as some days, in between my doctor visits, I don’t feel at all like one.

I have overwhelming fears about my tumour marker CA125 rising and as a result fearful procedures that follow including the dreaded MRI and surgery. I try not to think of any of it and pull myself back into the present moment focusing on the loves of my life and how much there is to live for and enjoy right now.

About bookjunkie

Blogging about life in Singapore helps me survive the mid-life crisis
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8 Responses to My Fears

  1. Krissy @lilpinkhouses says:

    Sending infinite amounts of positivity and light to you sweet soul.

  2. Barb Holmes says:

    It’s so good to see you here! Yes, I became so addicted to Social Media that I had to wean myself off, just like with any addiction. I’m happy to say that today, the only one I look at is FB messenger, and that is to message two friends in the UK. Otherwise, it’s obsolete from my life.

    Write about your fears. It always helps, and this is a safe place to share.

    I recommend reading about how the body can heal itself. The chemo didn’t cure me from Cancer. It killed the bad guy, and the good guys! Once the tumor was removed, the body restored itself, the way God designed it, and I’m doing everything within my power to keep it safe. Quantum Healing is a good book to start with.

    Much love and light to you. xx

    • bookjunkie says:

      Yes totally get the social media addiction thing. I am too hooked on Instagram right now. Trying to get back to writing. Much love to you Barb.

  3. Kaey says:

    I just wanted to say thank you for writing your blog. My Wife is diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer and your website has been a source of wisdom for us on this journey. In fact, I am also inspired to keep a little blog as a way to pay it forward. But for now, I pray that you find the strength in the present moment.

  4. Jayne says:

    Hi Shanti
    How are you? Trust that you’re well and better now. I’m J (Creating Objectives).
    I was browsing though my wordpress relooking at the things I had written, chance upon your comments and thought of you. My blog was started years back and and you are one of the few that read and comments. Thank you for connecting with me back then.
    I had since stop blogging. There had been much changes in life, good and bad. I am sorry to hear about your cancer, but it’s great to know you’re a surviver. Would love to reconnect with you again. Do drop me an email 🙂

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