Not sure how WordPress works anymore as I haven’t written for so long, everything feels strange. I was discouraged as I spent so much time on deleting spam and updating the tech stuff.
Just want to write to offload some feelings. A bit of the fear is back as I threw up in my partner’s car earlier. Are my intestines acting up again? I feel something not quite right within. Perhaps it’s just intense stress from my mum being hospitalised. Glad she is on the mend as it’s all the matters to me.
Stress may also be building up as I missed my last monthly tumour marker checkup mainly due to the cost factor. I feel guilt over the cost. Anyway, I’m not feeling totally confident as I was before the throwing up incident. Hope it’s unwarranted nerves and I’ll get the clear again on Thursday afternoon.
It’s ridiculous that I can’t rid myself of these intense feelings of guilt which isn’t helping me feel well. I can’t afford to have this type of unnecessary stress. Tried one minute of meditation with an app my cousin D recommended called Headspace. I need to do more of that. Grateful for the time I’ve been having with her and the little ones.
Thankful also for fulfilling another item in my bucket list or more something my dad wished for but never got to do. (A big regret of mine) A trip to Britain. Had a major throwing up incident on that trip as well but at least I made it.
No one realises the struggle of invisible illness. I need to advocate for this more as I’m sure many go through a similar anguish. That you may look perfectly well on the outside but that you struggle on the inside, in my case with chronic fatigue and intestinal issues. Chronic fatigue is so hard to explain and often I’m sure people think I’m just lazy. To me it’s a big injustice and frustration to be thought of that way. My mind and heart want to do so much but often my body can’t cooperate is the best way I know how to explain it. It’s like a constant intense jet lag and your brain is in a fog always. You are able to process conversations perhaps some hours after you’ve had them or only able to process the answers to questions then. Your brain is just not as sharp as it used to be and the deterioration has happened only since you’ve had chemo.
The most scary thing to me is the deterioration of my eye sight as reading, writing and photography are things I love so much. I can’t imagine life without books, journals and photographs. And I love nature and scenic places. My power has gone from 100 as a 6 year old when I was first diagnosed to 1100 (-11) before chemo to 1300 (-13) now. The optometrist has advised me to stick to my current power though to minimise on migraines. Keen to hear from others with severe myopia and astigmatism.